It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单，在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独，有一种不是悲伤的悲伤，才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我，我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗？”
“或许有一天，我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

　Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, July 28, 2004
withers away @ 11:13 pm

trying to study for econs mcq test which is tml. still want to do some maths tut. gosh. im ambitious. too ambitious. but i didnt regret going for the nationals track. v fun! haha. ok maybe im just too deprived of the ny spirit. just felt so nice cheering for ny. unite and shan ge esp. rox man! cheering for nj wasnt not fun, but it is just a different feeling. ok maybe unless we are against vj in soccer. haha. well joan left early coz she had a concert to attend. we went for dinner together at ps. me lg weepz and yang. had a fun time. as usual. haha. had a good time laughing.. muahahaha.
update on previous days: ytd was a historical day for me. i ponned lessons for the first time. it was a gp lecture about a website. heard frm beat. somehow decided not to go. gosh what am i doing? bad influence..
lets see what happened on mon.. hmm.. i can't rmbr. as usual. oh yah racial harmony day! didnt do much. shant elaborate hahaz.
somehow found these lyrics in my com. i think i searched for them a few years back. or something like that.
i've seen this place a thousand times
i've felt this all before
and every time you call
i've waited there as though you might not call at all
 
i know this face i'm wearing now
i've seen this in my face
and though it feels so great
i'm still afraid
that you'll be leaving any time
 
we've done this once then you closed the door
don't let me fall again for nothing more
 
don't say you love me
unless forever
don't tell me you need me
if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling
i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away
 
i've caught myself smiling alone
just thinking of your voice
and dreaming of your touch
is all too much
you know i don't have any choice
don't say you love me by the corrs
 
 

It's something Mystical

Sunday, July 25, 2004
withers away @ 12:03 am

history repeats itself.
sloman's economic key idea no. 15: the fallacy of composition. what applies in one case will not necessarily apply when repeated in all cases.

It's something Mystical

Saturday, July 24, 2004
withers away @ 12:30 am

ah damn. just realized the clock in my room is showing 11.45pm instead of 12.30am. gosh. no wonder mum asked me to sleep just now. but i'm not tired. gosh.
tml there's exco meeting at 8.30am. haiz gotta wake up early. no more slacking for guitar from now on. haiz. just hope everything can go on fine. i dont want stuff to crop up and make me stressed up again. that sux.
great that el's business is all over. phew! a thing off my mind. thankful for that.
slacked around today after pe because a few guys just came over with a bball and started playing in the half court me and lg were playing in. they chased us out without having to talk. damn. well some obervation skills were used while slacking today.. haha.. hmm. i think i get the point.
oh next thurs is going to be fun.. haha. guess we can enjoy and slack..
ok i think i seriously need to go before i get killed by mum and for not waking up on time tml. so no lyrics again! haha. but have been listening to jay's cds over and over again for 3 days. haha

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, July 21, 2004
withers away @ 12:25 am

i just finished reading all you guys' blogs. it's so depressing. its so damn late and i refuse to sleep. how am i to? ok i know i will eventually, but there is just this something heavy in my heart. ok el you should know how many donkey times i've told u to study and how we all believe u can do it coz u arent stupid at all. every time i said it every time u laughed it over. but there's really this genuine and constant worry for you. u really mean a lot to all of us, and so it hurts to see you skipping lessons and whatnots despite our rantings. its true that we are fed up. a constant 5 year and continuing worry isnt something we would really like. i don't know what to do. none of us know what to do. i wonder why am i writing all this. gosh. i just don't know what is this. why has everything turned out like this?
lg i know things been like shit for u.. im sorry for venting my idunnowad on u. u need to vent yours on mine k.. i understand.. take comfort in looking at that someone.. just from a distance.. that doesnt seem to be able to be shortened.. oh shit what's all this.. gotta sleep..

It's something Mystical

Monday, July 19, 2004
withers away @ 11:54 pm

haiz today dont know why screwed up my whole day. esp towards the end of the day, just flared up at everything. gotta apologize again. sorry ppl! somehow i'm really not myself today. i wonder why. i deliberately didnt get off the bus stop i was supposed to, and so i got off on the next stop and walked back home. just what was i doing? but despite me screwing up everything, stoning in class rox! i so so so miss the times!
talking about missing the times, cyn and i met at bus stop again! yeah! haha. looked at the photos she took in bremen. oh lg and beat were there too. the chocs are nice! heehee. eaten all of them up. mum was still asking me where is the stuff cyn gave me haha.
something has been bothering me for a damn long time but i still don't know how to solve it. the way el is skipping lessons is.. let's find a word.. expected, disappointing. asking her to go for class is exasperating. and we are going to start to worry all over again like in ny. el ah, why cant u just go for lectures and tutorials and listen..
and oh beat is burning jay's cds for me and lg!!! yoohoo!
oh yah forgot about this: got B for bio.
everyone is so damn stressed. gosh. just hope this passes soon. hate to see you stressed. i wish to help, but i dont know how.
shi nian zhi hou
wo men shi peng you
hai ke yi wen hou
zhi shi na zhong wen rou
zai ye zhao bu dao yong bao de li you
qing ren zui hou nan mian lun wei peng you
shi nian by eason

It's something Mystical

Sunday, July 18, 2004
withers away @ 10:47 pm

hey hey new features on blogger! haha. but dont think i will really use them. but anyway, lets see what happened these few days. nothing much. doing hwk. duh.
oh joan is coming back soon! yeah! but she'll have a whole lot to catch up and i have to teach her.. hopefully i am able to haha.
oh and stupid lg knows my election results but refused to tell me. ok not her fault lah. its yiming's. haha. he still ask her to diao my wei kou. gosh. then he also didnt say when the results will be released. argh.
ai ni deng yu yong you yi pian tian kong
ren he feng chui cao dong
dou you ni cun zai qi zhong
zi ran er ran de qing song
wu tiao jian wei ni by fish

It's something Mystical

Thursday, July 15, 2004
withers away @ 10:06 pm

ct results: A for maths, B for chem, C for econs. not bad really. told u all i can't possibly get straight As. i'm not a genius yah.. but anyway right now i'm starting to get stressed all over again all because of our beloved PW!! gosh. but never mind it will be over quite soon. just that now i need to devote all my time to pw for these few days until wed i guess. i cant even go for mentoring though i actually quite looked forward to it. its been a long time since i had to go out of home on sat. but anyhow our whole group is sort of motivated to do up our GPF so lets do it man!
cyn is back cyn is back!! yeah! going to get prezzies tml! haha. oh yah i have to sms her to ask her about tml. hmm. haha.
oh yah went through interview for guitar exco. didnt screw up as much as i thought it would. wonder when results would be released.
i know today i went a little mad. ok maybe a lot. will try not to get as bad as last time. "you don't have to solve the problem in order to help someone. you can help a lot by just being there." this is so true. thanks a lot. it's been a long time since we last mugged together. mass mugging is so fun! helps release stress seriously haha. thanks ppl.. i really thank all of you for being there whether i blabbered nonsense to you everyday or whether you were just there in body or in spirit(gosh what kind of a phrasing is this). i appreciate it a lot. i think i'm quite troublesome but well can't help it i guess. never mind we switch positions once in a while.
ok have to do work now. so no lyrics. muahaha. *excuse*

It's something Mystical

Monday, July 12, 2004
withers away @ 11:00 pm

i seriously don't know what to blog about. gosh. what is wrong with me? it's so routine to come here and blog something. so many things happen everyday and yet im stoning in front of the com. gosh save me.
now joan has left too. i'm going to miss her! me still misses cyn alot. somehow just feels weird reaching nj at 7 everyday. but heard that they did really well in their categories. haha congrats! ms lim must be quite happy though stressed.
there is never enough time to consider the things i never want to do.
crucify my love
if my love is blind
crucify my love
if it sets me free
never know
never trust
that love should see a colour
crucify my love
if it should be that way
crucify my love by x-japan

It's something Mystical

Friday, July 09, 2004
withers away @ 11:14 pm

there's loads to complete and i feel so tired. still not too used to sleeping at 1am everyday and waking up at 6am. gosh what kind of a life am i leading?
i don't know if it's screwed up. gosh. i hate major screwdrivers! ok nvm that's life. making life interesting i guess. stoned so long with lg until mr quek and mr sara were asking us if we were ok. gosh haha.
i miss cyn. gosh. stupid me lah didnt get to meet her on tues before she left. wonder how is she now. haiz.
and joan is going to leave on mon. which means today was the last time i saw her. haiz.
can't life just be a little simpler?
stay
yin wei ye tai mei
ji mo de yue liang
xu yao xing xing pei
stay
bu guan ye duo hei
bu guan tian hui liang
bu qu xiang ming tian
stay by fann

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, July 07, 2004
withers away @ 11:22 pm

council investiture today. missed just a little of gp. not enough. haiz. feel so sian.
mr lee going for further studies.. phd.. gosh.. so zai! but why must he leave like this year aug.. he's a v good maths teacher.. i want him! ok that sounds quite bad.. i want him as our maths teacher! i'm used to his style of teaching.. haiz nvm. oh and our new maths teacher is going to be our ct together with miss tan..
we finally got our first scores for guitar today. and one of them was the syf piece. gosh. had our first proper guitar practice with our instructor. one word to describe it: disastrous. couldn't catch up at all! and the instructor was just going on and on, assuming that everyone knew everything. gosh. we are having sectionals on sat but lg, beat and i cant make it coz of cip. gosh. and next week is going to be interviews for elections. gosh. i want to run for vpres but i dont know what to say. first time going for interview. gosh.
cyn has gone to germany.. last night's flight.. i wonder how long does it take from here to there. hope everything's fine and she enjoys herself there:)
i dunno how to describe the situation now. its as though everything is ok and normal, but in fact its not. something's brewing. and i somehow dread the result. things aren't really going the way i hope they would.
bu neng he ni yi qi
zou wang zhe shi jie xing fu fang xiang
gu dan de shen pang shao le jian qiang
zhi you jian dan gan shang
bu neng he ni yi qi by sun yanzi

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:41 am

-Shout to the Lord-
my Jesus, my Saviour
Lord there is none like you
all of my days
i want to praise
the wonders of your mighty love

my comfort, my shelter
tower of refuge and strength
let every breath
all that i am
never cease to worship you

shout to the Lord
all the earth
let us sing
power and majesty
praise to the king
mountains bow down and the seas will roar
at the sound of your name

i sing for joy at the work of your hand
forever i'll love you forever i'll stand
nothing compares to the promise i have in you


suddenly thought of this song and decided i would write it here. reminds me a lot about p6 concert. hmmz

It's something Mystical

Monday, July 05, 2004
withers away @ 11:02 pm

crazy me suddenly felt like watching soccer. so i caught the final match. and missed the only goal. gosh. haha. fell asleep after first half. by the time i woke up, it was 1-0. hahaha. greece won! thought that portugal would win.. nvm.. and now i'm still here typing away though i didn't sleep enough. i'm really mad.
these few days were spent slacking away. wrote in my long-lost diary today. for the whole day haha gosh. still haven't finished writing. haha.
no lyrics today. too tired to think. maybe i'm just plain lazy hahaz

It's something Mystical

Saturday, July 03, 2004
withers away @ 11:47 pm

well i screwed up my chem spa too!! gosh. nvm. i shall just forget about it.
many stuff happened. so glad that there's nothing much to do and i can stone at ease. i know there's much to think but when i start to think there's nothing to think. so i decided i shan't think about it anymore. or at least for now. glad that everything is sort of back to normal. turbulence in life is never appreciated. at least by me.
hey and sloman textbook really got some good stuff inside k.. haha
wang le shi zen me kai shi
ye xu jiu shi dui ni yi zhong gan jue
hu ran jian fa xian zi ji
yi shen shen ai shang ni
zhen de hen jian dan
ai, hen jian dan by tao zhe

It's something Mystical

Thursday, July 01, 2004
withers away @ 11:52 pm

sloman's economic key term no. 36:
Goodhart�s law. controlling a symptom (ie an indicator) of a problem will not cure the problem. instead, the indicator will merely cease to be a good indicator of the problem.

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:21 am

great. today cts are over!! yoohoo!! although i screwed up everything. oh nvm we'll worry about that later on. yesterday experienced blackout for the first time ever! haha. quite fun actually. found candle but no match. so had to burn newspaper. study under candle light and trying to cram in trigo. haha. but the lights came on after about 1/2h or so. not too bad haha. today everyone came to sch talking about the blackout. haha.
was so tired today after the maths paper. we played cards but anyone could see that we were dying from fatigue. so in the end we didn't play much. went home, listened to the radio for a while and heard a few nice songs, cleared my room and fell asleep. till 6+pm. haha. i don't need to sleep tonight anymore. feel like watching soccer match. we shall see how.
everything feels so empty now. i don't know what to do; i don't know what to say.
hao xiang hao xiang
hao xiang hao xiang
hao xiang hao xiang he ni zai yi qi
ta bian wan shui qian shan
zou bian hai jiao tian ya
rang mei yi ge ri zi dou chuan lian zhe
wo men zui mei li
zui mei li de hui yi
hao xiang hao xiang by gu ju ji

It's something Mystical